September 24th was the first day in over 14 years that I’ve listened to, hummed, or even thought about the Beatles’ song ‘Penny Lane’ without being overpowered by anxiety and sadness.
Strange as it seems, I’ve actively avoided this particular song for this whole period of time. It fills (or did fill, until very recently) me with dread, and conversely, when I’m already feeling dread, I often start hearing it in my head. It’s–was–a real trigger for me. And somehow, when I thought of it just a few weeks ago, its dread power was absent!
The association of Penny Lane with nerve-freezing anxiety came at the end of August 2008. I had spent the summer living in a small apartment in Berkeley with friends and their roommates. I had just graduated with my BA from St. John’s. It was a spectacular summer for me (let’s keep the partying redacted), and I was looking forward to continuing it into the fall—I had a job lined up and I was going to continue to take linguistics classes at Berkeley in prep for (hopefully) grad school.
This didn’t happen. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and left Berkeley for my parents’ home in Fresno. (In retrospect, it led to my finding the love of my life, but I was not privy to knowledge of the future). I spent the day before my first day at my new job paralyzed by anxiety.
Throughout the summer, I had been listening to the Beatles’, among others. ‘Penny Lane’ played several times that day and struck a chord of dread in my anxious soul. After I turned off the tunes, ‘Penny Lane’ still haunted me that day as I sat in the clutches of anxiety. I was so filled with fright that the first day of the job, I quit it and went home, Penny Lane all the while grupping my brain, headlights to my frozen deer.
Over the past 14 years, through educational and work successes, through dating, marriage and children, ‘Penny Lane’ was there for me when anxiety came calling, as often it did. The association was strong and led me down a deluge of regret and self-hatred and despair.
Imagine my surprise that day just a few weeks ago, when ‘Penny Lane’ popped into my head all a-random—and no dread, no sadness, no anxiety accompanied it. Feeling bold, I hummed it, sang it, then listened to it. It’s a happy song! Amazing transformation–or perhaps untransformation–back to what it sounds like without emotional history attached.
I don’t want to read too much into this. As I listen to the song again now, though, it’s incredible. I remember that it had affected me previously. And I feel no affect. Just the usual enjoyment of listening to the Beatles.
Celebrate the small victories over our neuroses.
tideghostsoapbox 